Opus Day 20: Transform Your Anger

[Barque]

“If you are looking for your life work and carry deep, hidden anger with you, it will only work against you unless you submit it to an alchemy by which its constructive powers are released. Anger can become determination, personal power, a sharp mind, effective personal presence, clear decisions, and grounded creativity. Anger can be either very destructive or immensely useful.
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There is a form of creativity that reaches for the stars and is sunny and bright, but there is another kind, just as fruitful, that is dark and deep, more hidden than visible, motivated sometimes by anger and envy. This deep source of the creative spirit is difficult to express in our world because we have difficulty appreciating the positive qualities of the dark emotions. But they give a person depth, strength of character, and an earthy honesty and counter any tendency toward the sentimental and the naïve.”

Today’s Work: Get close to your anger by staying with its sensations. Imagine using unexpressed anger as a source of strength. Describe this transformation.

Share your responses with Barque readers, by replying to this discussion.

[Ann]

Here are some of my thoughts on anger. Anger itself is not positive or negative. It is simply a word we give to describe a certain type of emotional and physical arousal. It is also a secondary emotion, it erupts after we experience other difficult emotions such as fear (threats to our ego or body) or sadness/loss (it’s not fair!).

Anger is almost always about power, about maintaining the power we believe we have or, on the other side of the coin, believing we are powerless. It comes from self righteousness and from statements we make to ourselves that include the words “should” or “must.”

While I accept anger as a valid and shared experience amongst us humans, I have a great deal of judgment around how it is typically expressed. I believe our anger belongs to ourselves. It is created through our own thoughts and perceptions, and as such it is wrong to unleash it towards others. This isn’t to say that we don’t express opinions or stand up for ourselves or such. It means that discharging the energy of the high arousal state onto another person is wrong.

My strong convictions in this stem from a childhood spent with a father given to random and terrifying explosions of rage, as well as decades in my work life of hearing disclosures of the worst sorts of abuse out of the mouths of little children. Of all the hundreds and hundreds of adults I have talked to who have hurt their children, maybe a handful ever accepted responsibility for their actions. Apparently saying “I was angry” (more typically, “She MADE me angry”), and variations there in is all the justification needed.

As far as transforming anger into positive action, I believe very much that this can be the only thing that finally gets one moving in a necessary direction. The only time I’ve ever been truly enraged happened seven years ago. I stayed that way for months and months, it threw me into my own “dark night of the soul,” but it also burned away a whole lot of self doubts, insecurities and barriers I had never been able to get past before. By the time I finally calmed down, I’d made some very positive, fundamental changes in my life, changes I had long ago given up hope of every being able to accomplish.

Ann

[Dr. Robert Klass]

Dear Ann, I enjoyed your response about anger. I find myself wondering why this topic has caught on like this. Could it be that anger is one of our favorite emotions? I was feeling rather depressed today, and I realized that in the past I would have very likely got into a stupid argument with somebody. I think when we only see limited options, it might look like fighting with another person could be a better option than being depressed and alone. There's a line, I think it's from Romans, that I like to remember. It's where Jesus talks about "rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation." I can't say that I've ever been all that good at being patient in tribulation, but like a lot of other things, the more you do it, the better you get at doing it.

I thought of a few more things I'd like to add to my entry from yesterday. These are like mental exercises that I do to myself to have myself come up from anger and other negative places. Let's face it, whether we want to call things positive or negative, there are things in all of our lives that make us feel better than others. By me, feeling gratitude is much better for me than being filled with vengeance, for example.

Ok, I'd like to add these on to the list from yesterday. I hope that everybody gets it that this is not about offering advice; this is about describing some things that work pretty well for me. If anybody wants to use any of these things, be my guest, and feel free to add things to the list.
6-I try not to act when I'm angry. If find that is the time when I am going to be the most mistake-prone and will do the things I regret the most.
7-I do good works. I am a volunteer for a charity that believes in anonymous giving. It's easier to leave anger behind when you are putting love into the world.

Ann, I totally agree with you about how wonderful the internet has been as a way to meet great, new people! Aloha, Bob

[Stacy]

In my previous post here I wrote, “On occasion I’ll find someone ‘safe’ to yell at (usually not an authority figure).” And after reading the other posts and then re-reading mine, I wished I had said it differently. I didn’t really mean that there are safe people to yell at. I was just trying to be honest and explain what happens when I keep anger inside.

The last time I remember yelling at someone else was last December. I yelled at a gardener who I supervised as part of my job. Right after it happened I felt terrible about it. I apologized to him later that day. But I still wish it wouldn’t have happened at all.

I quit that job in March. As I’m writing this I’m thinking maybe a part of me quitting that job was so I wouldn’t have to deal with problems that could arouse another outburst. So then I wouldn’t yell anyone else. But I know that isn’t realistic. I know I can’t hide from problems. I know it’s better to transform anger into something creative.

I’m a beginner here. I still am sorting out stuff. But I feel like I’ve been sorting forever. It feels endless. At what point I want to move on. Maybe I’m using this forum as a sort of vessel for that sorting.
I just turned 40. And one line in the book I really relate to is when one person jokes about not knowing what they’re going to do when they “grow up.” That’s me, I’m still a child. And I want to find a direction at least. I’m sick of just drifting along.

S

[Ann]

I've appreciated both of your posts, S. I hope you keep sharing. I like this post because it is so personal and honest. You know, I wonder how many of us feel as if we are still a child, still feeling overwhelmed and lost in the world. I'm pretty confident and sure of my way a lot of the times, but I also have periods where I feel utterly lost.

"The child is in me still, and sometimes not so still."
- Fred Rogers

[Dr. Robert Klass]

Dear S., I'm a bit older than you, and I can definitely relate to your posts. When I was younger, I thought that there might come a time when it seemed like the the problems of life and the stresses that go with those problems would be less, but now that I'm pushing 65, I have a greater appreciation of those "childlike" qualities you mentioned. At some point, I realized that I want my life to be filled with challenges, enthusiasm, creativity, a sense of adventure, romance and all those other things that make life interesting and exciting. However, with those challenges there is a certain level of stress and anxiety that come with the package. I'm happy to report that along with the so-called negatives that go with getting older (i.e. losing loved ones to cancer and other diseases, facing the prospect of diminished physical capacities, etc.) there are a lot of very real positives that include a greater appreciation of love, friendship, spirituality, music and quite a few other things that I didn't pay all that much attention to when I was younger. By me, we are indeed fortunate if we can keep some of those childlike qualities, and, hopefully, with aging we get better at handling at least some of life's problems. Aloha, Bob

[Dr. Robert Klass]

Dear Julie, For starters, let me give you my best, all-emcompassing answer to your question. I handle those problems that don't ever seem to go away the best I can with the best information I've got to work with at the time. If I find that I've messed-up, I can take a certain amount of comfort in knowing that I did not act with bad intentions, and it really helps to remind myself that I believe that people, including myself, are essentially good. If I'm in a situation that requires forgiveness, I do what I can to find foregiveness in my heart. Foregiveness really is an incredibly powerful tool that God has given us. If my actions require an apology, I think it's on me to go to the person I've offended and give them a genuine apology. (One of the worst things in life are phony apologies. These usually involve somebody apologing to you, and before the person goes away, they will say something like "OK, there I've apologized to you, but we know that it was really your fault.")

To get more specific, I don't have a lot of experience with autism, but I think I can relate to your situation in other parts of my life. When I was growing up, my father had multiple sclerosis, and for most of younger life, he was confined to a wheelchair. On one hand, there are a lot of sad parts to that story, but I also feel blessed that I had such a wonderful father and mother. Despite all the difficulties that went with his illness, I can say that I grew up in a family where there was a lot of love, and it has probably made me a better, stronger person for having had those experiences.

One of the things that helps me deal with those problems that don't ever seem to go away is knowing that although they may seem never-ending, they are always only happening right now. If I can find some kind of silver lining now, then it's a lot easier to deal with what might happen in the future. One of my cousins had a little girl who was born with Down's Syndrome, and, at the time, it felt pretty sad. The girl is about 25 now, and my cousin and his wife have showered her with an incredible amound of love; it has made their family close and strong. You seem like a very nice person with good intentions; I have no doubt that you have a deep and unabiding love for your kids. Perhaps there is a blessing in your family life that you have not completely recognized.

I hope that this was helpful in some way. I wish you the best! Aloha, Bob

[Ann]

Julie,
I wrote the following in response to what you write here. Please forgive me if I end up making you feel completely frustrated with another person who doesn't live the life you do, telling you how it should be. This isn't really meant as advise, it's more a general declaration of independence for mothers-who-do-too-much. A condition for which I am still in recovery. :)

How do you handle it?
You work to stop feeling responsible for making your children’s lives work out happy.. You learn to accept that their lives will be what they will be. You start the mental switch from caregiver to support staff.

You start truly understanding that your life is absolutely as important as their lives are. You become ruthless about taking what you need for yourself. You stop feeling guilty about this because you finally get that you have a right to live a full and balanced life. You challenge any one (including yourself) who tries to tell you you must sacrifice everything all the time or you aren’t doing enough.

You make sure you are offering them love but not slavery. You do what you need to to create hope for yourself. That is not selfish, it’s survival for all of you.

Ann

[Dr. Robert Klass]

Dear Gail, Congratulations on being member #50 to this group! It occurs to me that there are at least two possibilities going on here. It could be that you are absolutely right, and I am in a state of denial, or it also could be that you don't quite get what I'm describing. I do hope that you get it that that's what I'm doing, just describing some things that work for me. I'm not trying to convert you or anybody else to my set of viewpoints. (I'm not even sure that it's possible for any of us to do that anyway.)

Now then, I have spent much of my life being angry at all sorts of things, and I have at least some idea what denial is about. I also have a somewhat limited knowledge and experience with that thing we call "higher consciousness." To me, it feels like that's what I'm writing about while I'm involved in my own, personal spiritual journey. It's not like I have a pollyanna-like view of the world. From what I've experienced, "rising above" doesn't mean that you become unaware of rising gas prices, Myanmar, China, anger or all the other problems of the world; if anything, it feels to me like we become more aware of those things, but we also see more options at "high" than we do at "low." I am constantly fascinated by elevated states of awareness or whatever we want to call it, and and I see that you are too. I think that part of the problem with discussing all of this is that the words that I know about that describe "higher consciousness" often feel inadequate, at least in Western thought. From what I can tell, there is a vocabulary for some of this stuff in Eastern thought, but I'm not convinced that it translates as well as we might like.

Descartes said "I think, therefore I am." It seems to me that there's another statement that could be added to that one..."How and what we think determines how we live our lives." In the case of S. and his lawyer, I'm willing to believe that he got screwed by his lawyer. What we also know to be true is that S. was the one carrying around the anger, not the guy who did it to him. I'm more interested in the effect it had on S. (and the effect that anger has had on me), and when I consider his options in this situation, I keep coming back to the possibility that S. could find forgiveness in his heart for the man. If I were in the same spot, would I forgive that snake of an attorney? Maybe or maybe not! However, I do know that being angry, finding forgiveness and all of those other things are about what we choose to do with our lives.

Once again, welcome to this group! I look forward to more of your entries! Aloha, Bob

[Dr. Robert Klass]

P.S. To Gail, Yes, there are consequences for how we react to anger. There are also consequences for how we respond with love. Maybe the question we should be asking is why is it that people have so much to say about anger, and, relatively speaking, so little to say about love?

[Barque]

I'm not sure that we know what love is, what causes it, and that we all agree about it. Confusion about love may relate to concerns about anger (and issues such as fear). In A Life at Work, Moore talks about three kinds of love, yet we generally use the one word to describe different types of feelings and relationships. Perhaps more mindful expressions of love would help to transmute anger's energy into beneficial purposes.

[Dr. Robert Klass]

It may be true that we don't completely know what love is or what causes it, but how about we give it a shot? For starters, I would say that love is a strong, positive feeling that we can have toward ourselves and other people, places, things and experiences. This is a rather broad definition, and perhaps other people can add to this description. I would say that the single most obvious attribute of love is that it is positive. Quite a few people on this forum have pointed out that positive and negative are decisions that we make, but what we also know to be true is that there is almost universal agreement that such things as love, joy and gratitude are positive, and such things as anger, fear and grief are negative.

[Ann]

In general I agree with your perspective. But this is the point where a general philosophy begins to frustrate the heck out of me. See? ANGER!!! Well, truthfully, mild frustration, that is having the positive outcome of leading me to try to articulate my thoughts..

First off, anger, fear and grief are not negative. To claim they are universally viewed as negative is most likely true, but I disagree with the universe on this one!

If you want strong joy and love in your life you must also be able to experience strong anger and grief. To turn away from these darker sides, to "choose" not to go there I believe stunts all emotions. If you never allow yourself fear how can you ever be vulnerable ? If you never get angry how will you be motivated to confront an injustice? With no grief how will you honor deep loss? I think wallowing in each emotion, living with them, owning them, trying not to escape them is the biggest struggle towards our soul. We are constantly told to outgrow such things, to rise above them. We are embarrassed and uncomfortable with ourselves when we show our darkness to others, we are uncomfortable when other’s express their emotions to us.

OK. Now, as far as “love” being viewed as universally positive. Nothing could be further from the truth! We have all sorts of boundaries and rules that tell us where and how and to what degree we may love.

For example, look at the institution of marriage and our ideals around romantic love. We are taught that the only true, morally correct model of romantic love is to find our “soul mate,” bond with them to the exclusion of any other person and remain this way for the rest of our lives. This person should be the object of all our sexual desires and our closest intimate friend every day for the rest of our lives. What a set up! Look at the devastating pain people feel when it doesn’t turn out that way—which statistics will tell you it almost never does.. Much of this is because of these incredibly strong strictures we have about love, that only one model is correct. Any deviations from this is failure and morally wrong and very dangerous.

It is seen as so dangerous that even writing such things makes me feel the need to point out that I am a monogamous woman who is extremely attached and devoted to my husband of 24 years. He is my anchor in life and always has been, our marriage is most likely more intimate and passionate than most. However, awhile back, after becoming extraordinarily grief stricken when a long term friendship of mine ended, I realized that at almost every stage of my life I have also deeply loved and attached to another person. These relationships expand my life, give me a second person to love and care for, and take pressure off of my husband to meet my every need for intimacy. Society allows me these relationships because they are categorized as “best friends.” However, my bonding with them goes beyond what is considered “friends.” There doesn’t appear to be a positive word for a secondary intimate relationship. Currently, my secondary relationship is a married man. Horrors! In no shape or form am I supposed to be closely bonded to another woman’s husband! However, there are no secrets between any of us about our attachment to each other. It is not a sleazy thing, it is a very wholesome and healthy thing and it is definitely love. In fact my husband and his wife are grateful we have each other.

This is one example of how we don’t view all love as positive. I could go on, there are tons more examples. I better stop here.

Holy hell, what a rant!

Take care,
Ann